It’s been said that parenting doesn’t come with an instruction booklet. When you become a parent, you enter into uncharted territory. While you can consult with your own parents on the proper care and behavior of these little ones, it’s also true that every child is unique.

Another factor which bears mentioning is that if your parents were the overly strict type, you may tend towards a more permissive parenting style. The reverse is also true. All parents want to be the ‘perfect’ parent, but of course this is next to impossible! You must also take into account your child’s temperament and style.

There are three basic styles of parenting. One is the authoritarian, strict parent, who tends to be overly controlling and is not open to discussion on issues. This type of parenting style emphasizes obedience and brooks no disagreement.

The authoritative parenting style is more moderate. This means limits are set, but discussion is encouraged. Children generally respond better to this strategy, as they learn self control while still having a say on why one decision is better, or preferred, over another.

The last is the permissive parent, most often the product of an authoritarian upbringing. Reacting to their own too strict parents, they swing to an opposite style, often spoiling their children, allowing them to make their own rules, exerting too little authority. This parenting style usually results in kids who lack self control, because they never learn how to set limits.

So which parenting style results in the most well adjusted, socially responsible kids? The moderate, authoritative parent is most often found to be best. One large study, conducted over a period of years found an interesting correlation between parenting styles and children’s weight. Children of both authoritarian and permissive parents tended to be overweight at a much higher rate than those of the authoritative, moderate style!

However, there’s more to this parenting style than meets the eye. Children have different temperaments and this is a vital consideration. Let’s say you have two kids, one whose personality is the shy, tranquil type and the other who is more outgoing and aggressive. It’s easy to see that each child must be approached in different ways.

The shy child is naturally more passive in response to a directive and may be overly sensitive. While still being firm, you may need to help this child develop confidence and self expression. For example, this child asks to go out and ride his bike. It’s raining. You might say, Oh, sweetie, I know you love to ride your bike, but it’s pretty wet out there right now. That’s an easy way to catch a cold. What do you say to a game of cards until it clears up? Along with the ‘no’ comes a reason, a request for his opinion and an alternative.

The outgoing child who makes the same request, may pose it as a statement. Mom, I’m going to go ride my bike. Your response needs to be a little different. Sorry, Buddy, it’s raining. I don’t want you catching cold. See if you can think of another activity until it clears up? There’s a subtle difference, in that you’re a little firmer and don’t need to mince words. The more aggressive child can deal with plain language better than a shy child and probably already has confidence to burn.

As you develop your unique parenting style, try to model it after the authoritative style, tempered by your child’s personality. Chances are that child will turn out just fine!